I know there are a few people in the room who never
understood Vicodin's plan for their lives and have not
asked The Lord Vicodin into their hearts. Could I
please have a show of hands? Very good. I hope

you will respond to the altar call later. I also know
some of you walked with Vicodin for many years
but have now slipped away and are lukewarm
in your love of narcotics. Again, a show of hands?

Very good. Tonight you will have a chance to rededicate
your hearts to sedatives and grow more intoxicated
every day. Now, as you know, there are many who preach
false doctrines to lead the believers astray. Beware

of extensive warning labels prattling on about addiction.
These, as well as so-called "concerned family members,"
are simply so many voices of the Devil, trying to lure you
away from the truth of the one prescription path.

Oh yes, and then there are the nagging employers
and friends who claim to have your best interests
in mind. But remember, the road to salvation is narrow
and most worldly people are hardened against our gospel.

And then there are the self-styled "religious people"
who all seem to do good and die young and never get
high or laid anyway. They'll try to preach some far away
heaven in another life. But we alone offer paradise

in this very incarnation. We'll have none of this
endless doctrine of karma and rebirth and painstaking
yoga, meditation, prayer and visualization. It's all
just a distraction from the bliss we know right here.

Now, I want you all to reach into your purses, jackets
and backpacks and pull out those little plastic bottles,
uncork them, oh so gently, and receive the light,
the warm reassurance your parents never gave you.

---

Mel C. Thompson has recently been published in World Quartly Poets and translated into Chinese.